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| If you have to start a question by saying, "would you think I'm stupid if I said..." the answer is probably yes. I'm sick of people making up rules, or acting like the rules don't apply to them. I'm sick of people saying whatever the hell they want because they are just trying to weasel out of something. These are Christians for crying out loud. What happened to being held to a higher moral standard, or holding yourself to a higher moral standard? What happened to integrity? The sad thing is I'm not just talking about students. Faculty here do exactly the same thing so is it any wonder when the glorious little bastards to it too? What the hell kind of example is that? How are people who don't know Christ supposed to look at these students and say, "There is something about them that's unique in a good way, I want to know more"? The funniest thing is that this place is primarily of the Armenian theology and the attitude is definitely Calvinist. God'll love me no matter what, so what does it matter what I do. It's like the monk Rasputin, sinning more so that God's Grace is poured out more on me. The problem is that Grace is expensive (see a previous post), just not for the recipient. The motto of this place is, "For Christ and His Kingdom". I've often said that I'd love to take one of these kids or teachers that are trying to weasel out of whatever it is that I've caught them doing and drag them to that sign and say, "If you can justify what you are doing, what you did and how you're treating me right now under that motto, I'll let you go scott free". I wonder how many would try. Maybe I'm just old and bitter. Maybe I'm holding on to a creed that has lost it's time. Maybe I've wasted years trying to grow closer to God, be true to myself and treat others with basic human respect. Maybe that's not in vogue any more. Maybe I'm sexist for holding doors open for women too, who knows. I don't have to justify myself to anyone but my Creator. When I die I will account for the actions of one person, me. While that may be a lengthy list, I still will only have to make an account for the things I've done. I believe that I will have the blood of Jesus to make that account for me, which is why I am trying to minimize the list, why I'm trying to serve him and be a good man. A good man, but in the eyes of some a stupid one. You know what. I'm not stupid. I'm not naive. I may not always be a good man, but I'm working hard for it and I've been told by people that matter that I am. I'm a good man, not because I've made my self one, but because He made me one. | | |
| and I'm half gopher It's a new year. Things seem at the same time promising and bleak. I think the bleak part has mostly to do with the weather. (Overcast, windy, cold, I haven't seen the sun for weeks!! Hey, waaaaaiiiiittt...). Welcome to Chicago. If Al Gore ever reads this, can he come to my parking lot and shovel the 4 inches of frozen global warming off my parking spot? It's going to be a great year. I have a woman I love in my life and we are making PLANS. (ooooo sintilating). I have a job I love that pays better than well. I have my parents and her parents that I love and that love me. It's gonna be a tough year, but worth it. Don't worry, we'll kick ass. We'll kick ass because that's what you do when the bad guy is between you and the door. That's what you do because you don't have another choice. That's what you do when you want something better, when you deserve something better. Happy New Year! | | |
| Well, the holidays are almost over. They've been an interesting mix of touching and stressful. Touching because J and I have had the chance to actually enjoy christmas together a little as well as enjoy christmas as a family. Stressful because of all the family crap from both sides that seems to well up around this time of year. Merry Christmas | | |
| With two legs instead of four and with a lot less fur than your other guardian angel. Yesterday was a pretty significant anniversary for us. As much as I'd love to say that I whisked her off to an expensive restaurant and gave her her favorite flowers that had been specially grown to the size of my head (the florist had never heard of a pink Rhinoceros, come to think of it, neither had the cop. Hmmmmm...), but we didn't. Actually, I think it turned out better, we spent the evening as us. We watched the 25 greatest moments of Wipeout and some crap about UFO's and rednecks. We messed with a bunny that is becoming more and more carnivorous and we talked and relaxed. Given who we are, that's probably the greatest celebration of us we could have asked for. Nothing went really wrong, we were just two people, very much in love, who spent an evening together being thankful about being together. Love ya babe, happy us day. | | |
| So we have a new addition to the family. She's a bunny, about 6-8 weeks old (we decided that she was born July 2nd) and I think her name is Hadley Peanut Kunoichi. She probably weighs less than a pound, is cute as a button and quick as, well quick as a bunny. We brought her home last night and as I was leaving J's place I had a panic attack. She's so small and sweet, but fragile too. Rabbits get diseases; she's squirmy, what if I drop her; she's small what if I squeeze her too tight. Then I really got going. What if something happens? What if someone breaks in and hurts her? What if she escapes from her cage and hurts herself in the fall? Of course, me being me I began to draw parallels. She's small and fragile; C and N are small and fragile, J is small and fragile. Rabbits get diseases, kids and grown ups get diseases. She's squirmy, C and N are struggling for their own independence, what if I drop them? What if something terrible happens? How can I protect them? J is so wonderful and beautiful and amazing, what if I drop her? What if I fail her? How can I keep my little family safe? I realized that I needed to create the perfect environment for all of them. I needed to be the perfect thing for all of them. Be supportive and helpful for J. Be a perfect father figure for the kids, masculine yet sensitive. Keep Peanut in hay and rabbit food and rub her head the way she likes. The Works!!!! The voice of reason in my head sounds remarkably like J's voice. Probably because I never had a voice of reason before J. It said something like, "You can't do that. As much as you want to, you can't make everything perfect for them. What you can do is make things better." Even when she's only in my head J's right most of the time. I can't keep them safe. I can keep them safer. I can't be perfect for them, but I can be better than they had and better than I was yesterday. It's that er on the end of words. In the simplest terms, I can't give Peanut a perfect life, but I can give her a better one than what she would have had in the pet shop. I can't keep C and N safe, but I can be vigilant and realistic and impart what little I know and help make them safer. I can't be perfect for J, but I can be better than what she had before. Instead of trying to be the best and be perfect and failing miserably, I need to try and be a little bit better each day. I need to learn from mistakes, to catch mistakes as I'm making them. When I try to be perfect I concern myself with being perfect and miss my family. When I try to be better I can see my family as people (and a rabbit). I can pay attention to them, listen to them, hold them, love them. When I stop trying to perfect, I actually end up helping and taking care of them and loving them more. | | |
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